she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
