I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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