Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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