went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
