They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
