i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
