I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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