Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
