I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
