Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
