Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
