I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
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