i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Randomize
