Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
