Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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