Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
