don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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