Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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