you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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