the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
