Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
PANTIES FOUND
Randomize
