She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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