After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
