Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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