Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
