Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
