I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
