i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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