if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
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