Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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