She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
