i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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