i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
