i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
We need to get me chipped asap
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
