It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
