wanna go halves on a baby?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Randomize