Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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