Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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