you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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