I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
