I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
