if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
