Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
