she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
