The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Randomize
