Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
me + whiskey = a bad person
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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