Your mouth is God's brothel.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
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