if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Randomize
