mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
