i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
