mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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