Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
